After a month-long evaluation process, I’ve officially been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder(ASD). This provides me much relief as I now have a better understanding of myself. But looking back, I can see how living as an undiagnosed autistic person has affected every aspect of my life. Not only has not knowing resulted in consistent negative self-talk, but it has also resulted in me constantly doubting myself and living with limiting self-beliefs.
I won’t go into my entire history but I want to give you an idea of what a typical day for me looked like before I knew what autism was.
Let’s go back to my late 20s. It’s a Sunday in 2016 and I’m living in Chicago. I am late for church again despite only living 7 minutes away. Every week I say it will be different but it never happens. I get frustrated with myself and negative self talk begins to ruminate: “Why are you struggling every week with something this simple?” “You suck at everything you do.” “You’re such an incompetent adult.” “You bring no value to this world”. My mental state begins to spiral before I’ve left home.
I finally get in my car and head to church. I put on gospel music to help clear my head. On the way, I start mentally rehearsing my interactions because it’s time to practice my act to appear “normal” so I blend in. This is necessary as being myself will result in ostracism as has been proven many times in the past. I will be hated, laughed at, and/or misunderstood. As I arrive and find parking I begin talking to myself on the way in. “Adjust your posture” “Control your movements” “Look straight ahead”. I walk inside concentrating on every movement I make and try to appear as invisible as possible by finding a seat in the back.
After service, numerous people greet me. While communicating with them I’m simultaneously having an internal dialogue. I’m trying to be conscious of my movements. I’m trying to maintain eye contact despite it being incredibly difficult. I’m trying not to say anything that might be offensive. I’m trying not to ramble too much. I’m thinking hard about what to say next to keep the conversation going. I don’t have the ability to read facial expressions or body language the majority of the time so it’s a guessing game of what I’m doing right or wrong. I consciously try to talk as little as possible to avoid exposing myself as weird. My church friends invite me to have lunch with them and the acting continues. Lunch is going well until I get too relaxed and eventually say something that most find either weird or insulting. Despite my best efforts, my communication doesn’t meet expectations.
After lunch, I depart from my friends and replay every conversation I had, scolding myself for not being better at it. I’m embarrassed by my behavior. I should be good at this. It comes so easy to everyone else around me. At the same time I'm feeling like an imposter hiding my true identity from the world.
I sit in my car for a few minutes and decide to turn on my Lyft driver app to see how much money I could make. Traditional jobs are difficult for me because I don’t work well with others and the demands of most jobs are too difficult to deal with on a daily basis. I need to be able to control when and how often I work. As I’m Lyfting, I pick up a 20 something female. As I take her to her destination, she’s having a loud argument on speakerphone with her baby daddy. The roads are clogged with traffic. Car horns are blaring. There’s a constant sound of sirens from police cars, fire trucks, and ambulances speeding by. A strong smell of fumes from a pick-up truck seems to engulf my nostrils. It’s all immensely overwhelming and stressful. After a couple of hours of this, I head home feeling completely drained and depressed but not knowing why. I don't realize what I'm experiencing is sensory overload. Still, a few hours of torture is still more bearable than being forced into 8 hours of it while dealing with a controlling boss. At least this way I have power over how long it lasts.
It’s a relief to be back in my studio apartment where I can be alone and myself again. I spend the remainder of my waking hours browsing international flights, scrolling through travel pictures on Instagram, researching destinations, and fantasizing about the cool places I want to visit. I ignore all phone calls and texts because nothing and nobody else matters right now. I daydream until I fall asleep with my phone in my hand open to the Skyscanner app. It was another tough day. The day after that and after that and after that and so on won't be any easier but at least I get to travel soon.
Today, my diagnosis allows me to give myself grace for my shortcomings. Now I can stop comparing myself to others to meet impossible neurotypical standards. Now, I know that my brain functions differently and I'm starting to understand that it is okay. There's so much I'm still learning, but I'm enjoying the journey.
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