My Beautiful Brain

I discovered recently that I may have a neurodivergent brain. I haven’t been diagnosed officially but all the signs of it are there and have been my entire life. Finding out at 35 years old has been jarring and I initially refused to accept it. I likely have at least two of these “disorders” but I have traits in all three. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me. I’m not disabled. It isn’t a good or bad thing. It simply means my brain doesn’t function in a typical way.

This world is designed for the neurotypical which poses major challenges for the rest of us trying to function in this society. Learning this about myself has been a relief because I’ve always felt different than everyone else but couldn’t pinpoint why. I’ve felt incapable, stupid, lazy, weak, and undisciplined. This answers decades long questions I’ve had about why my struggles were unique compared to those around me. Things like driving during the day, grocery shopping, loud people, brightly lit rooms cause me immense stress. It overwhelms me and I never knew why. I was experiencing sensory overload but didn’t have a name for it. I’ve quit jobs, moved to entirely new cities, and ruined relationships because of it. Emotional pain causes my body to shut down. It doesn’t matter if it’s a romantic break-up or a death. I start visibly shaking, have difficulty breathing, and sometimes pass out. Minor inconveniences or deviations from regular routines stress me out to the point I sometimes start crying. Losing my structure feels devastating. I struggle articulating myself verbally. While expressing any complex thoughts or instructions, I must write it down because forming coherent statements is difficult. Knowing now that these shortcomings aren’t my fault shifts everything I thought I knew about myself. I dealt with these struggles silently and was great at hiding it.

I want to point out though that it isn’t all shortcomings and there are numerous positive aspects. I can easily recognize patterns which has been a catalyst in me creating a 6-figure income through gig economy. I experience joy at a much higher level than most. I have compassion for every human being on this planet regardless of what they’ve done to me or others. I’m highly skilled in mathematics. I have a high mechanical aptitude. My hyper focus tendencies allow me to find solutions to complex problems. I love everything about my brain including the supposed negative aspects of it. I love that I’m a unique, complex being. It’s what makes me so beautiful.

This is the beginning of my journey. The next step may be to get officially diagnosed so I can make use of the numerous tools and resources available. Imagine how different our friendships, work environments, and marriages would be if this was better understood. There are people struggling through life like I was, not knowing about the unique differences in their brain. I write this for those people that will resonate with my words and experiences. This is my first blog post that isn't travel related but I felt this to be an important enough topic to deviate from my usual posts. I only aim to bring awareness to a segment of society that are misunderstood.